Rock-a-Bye Patient

Rock-a-bye patient in the lobby.

When the doc comes the cycle will start.

When your brain breaks the cycle will stall,

And down will come patient, cool head and all.

The Itsy Bitsy Zygote

The itsty bitsy zygote grew in the petri dish

Up went the cell count as the couple wished

Then became a blast and was all set to go

And the itsy bitsy zygote became a boy named Joe

Alexia and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

The infertile gal's version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day 

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Alexia and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I went to sleep with my contacts on and now my eyes hurt like a bitch and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the cat and by mistake I dropped my Pulling Down the Moon vitamins in the sink while the water was running and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. 

On Facebook Amber announced she was going into labor and on her way to the hospital and Nicole posted a picture of her first ultrasound, but in my uterus all the tech found was an empty uterus with a thin lining and no dominant follicles.

I think I’ll move to Infertile Island. 

At the blood lab the phlebotomist drew a tiny vial of blood from Barbara.  Angela and Elizabeth got tiny vials too.  I said I was being pinched.  I said I was blowing a vein.  I said if you don’t stop moving that fucking needle around I am going to faint.  No one even answered as the phlebotomist filled three big vials.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

At work Mr. Dickens liked Paul’s proposal to attend the ECAP conference in Boston better than my proposal to attend NACE conference in Los Angeles. 

At the client meeting he said that I talked for too long.  At the budget meeting he said I left out the WAT Sheet.  Who gives a rat’s ass about the fuckin’ WAT Sheet?  I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Paul said he didn’t need my help on the big project anymore.  He said he’d be able to finish it with Philip Parker and maybe Albert Moyo if it was getting close to the deadline and he’d only call on me if the shit hit the fan and they were really far behind. 

I hope you sit on a tack, I thought to Paul.  I hope the next time that you’re up for that big ass promotion at the last minute the company decides it’d be cheaper to outsource to India.

There were two bacon-wrapped fillet mignons in Philip Parker’s lunch bag and Albert had a stuffed chicken breast with fresh green beans and Paul had crab rangoon with the warm creamy filling and the delicate flaky crust.  Guess who forgot to go shopping and only has bread and peanut butter for lunch?

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That’s what it was because in the afternoon the nurse called my cell and said that Dr. Fields had reviewed my lab work and found the MTHFR gene mutation in me.  Come in next week and Dr. Fields will discuss your options.  Next week, I said, I’m going to Infertile Island.

On the way downstairs the elevator door closed on my foot and while we were waiting for my boss to come down Amy shoved a picture of her daughter’s Halloween photo in my face and then I wanted to cry because of the photo and Nathan asked when were my hubby and I gonna pop out a kid and…

…while it took every ounce of my being not to punch them both my boss came down and rushed out the door and scolded me for daydreaming and walking too slow.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody.  No one even answered.

So then we went to the conference room to discuss who’d be doing what projects next quarter.  Amy chose the awesome first choice project and Nathan chose the interesting second choice project and I chose the easy third choice project, but the director said it had been canceled.  They made me take the one that’s about as fun as watching paint dry, but they can’t stop me from making the interns do it.

When I picked up my dear husband at his office he said it wasn’t a good time to talk, but I forgot.  He also said to watch out for the stack of iPads on his desk and I was as careful as I could be except for my purse.  He also said don’t play Angry Birds on my cell phone because it was distracting, but I think I accidentally called Australia as I turned it off.  My dear husband said please don’t pick him up anymore.  It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

There was only tuna fish for dinner and I hate tuna.  There was a Pampers commercial on TV and I hate Pampers.

My shower was too hot, I got soap in my eyes, my contact fell down the drain, and I had to give myself a shot.  I hate giving myself a shot.

When I went to bed DH was fast asleep and hogging it and my reading light burned out and I got a paper cut.  The cat wants to sleep on the couch instead of with me.  It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  My therapist says some days are like that.

Even in Infertile Island.

The Itsy Bitsy Embie (to the tune of The Itsy Bitsy Spider)

The itsy bitsy embie floated down the tube.

The cells began to split into a little group

In went the embie into that nice sweet spot.

And the itsy bitsy embie began to grow a lot.

Dear RE (to the tune of Doctor Fell)

I do not like thee dear RE.
The reason why is clear to me.
You poke and prod at me with glee.
I do not like thee dear RE.

Sing a Song of Sixpence

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of sperm,

Four-and-twenty swimmers are free of germs.

When the vial’s opened the sperm began to sing.

Isn’t there a dainty egg for the tech to bring?